Borborophorba

The putrefaction is happening when we realize that "let go of what no longer serves you" implies a darker and more chaotic level of letting go than we ever imagined possible. When all religious ideas and deeply held beliefs about reality are now on the chopping block. When you repeatedly encounter a bottomless pit of shame that has been masquerading as soul truth, as the law of reality.

And we don't know what's happening. We can't control how long it takes or how deeply the grief must be felt. We can't rush into the rebirth no matter how much we try. Liminality stretches beyond endurance as opposing truths and opposing realities clash at the crossroads, as something in the black of the depths of the soul falls away permanently, yet what's coming remains unknown.

It is at this stage that we meet Her as the Eater of Filth, Borborophorba.

And there is nothing you can say about Her or about this politically incorrect Grace. Because this part of the work, this messy putrefaction, does not fit into the neat boxes of an Instagrammable alchemical process. It looks like total spiritual failure and defeat. It IS total failure and defeat, in fact, and that is its blessing.

No matter how long your recovery process is, no matter how deep the wounds go and how compacted and dense the material is, She is undaunted.

Borborophorba's blessings are paradoxical and always unexpected.

Submitting to the total destruction of the alchemical nigredo is terrifying and feels like death. And the absolute darkness of being broken down is so profane, so unclean, that you can't imagine anything Divine touching it.

But Borborophorba is unashamed of our uncleanliness, of our ritual impurity and "low vibe" ways. Her merciful acceptance of our filth can even cause existential panic.

Her Grace meets us in the place where the world abandoned us, where cosmic betrayal left us collapsed and where cosmic judgment deemed us a sinner.

The False God of Greed and Narcissism

I have tried to talk about this multiple times, and failed. There are things that simply can't be expressed, and what can be said would just be interpreted in a shallow way, which is nobody's fault. This shit is insane and sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. But I feel I must say something. I am literally leaving a false deity who rules a completely false universe with false laws, and this is NOT just psychological. This is soul rebirth.

The "God" of The Matrix

This force has shown up under many names in many traditions, and the way it is described changes with time and culture. It is a dangerous trickster and shapeshifter, so older descriptions of it often no longer apply. For example, the way this illusory force is described in Vedanta doesn't work for me anymore. It's been hijacked by the illusory force itself. And that's true for almost any previous description of it, including "ego".

There is some halfway true information about it in the Prison Planet community, but that community has also been hijacked by the illusory force itself.

You see how difficult it is to talk about this? You can't talk about it. You have to live your way out of it. You have to do the shadow work.

Human consciousness has evolved and so has this ancient enemy. And right now it expresses, for me, as a dangerous Underworld evil. As an ancient power of deception that hijacks any religion, any ideology, and perverts it. As a force that wants to rape, dominate and colonize. As an anti-life energy harvesting force that keeps souls imprisoned. A virus that nobody can see. Some call it wetiko, or The Filter, or any number of labels. Getting caught up in the labels is part of the trap.

I have experienced this dangerous trickster coming in between me and the deity I was communicating with, or between me and another person, including my Twin. It takes over the mind and the soul, infesting and polluting and twisting, and it can do things that I feel I can't talk publicly about. Because it's too crazy, it's too outlandish, and it's too sinister.

Recovering the soul from this false deity's evil grasp has felt like trying to recover data from a corrupted hard drive.

It does not want you to release the shame that separates you from the infinite Self. It does not want you to be free. It likes pretending that it's you. It likes pretending that it's the God you're praying to. It wants to keep you in an extremely subtle dream, which can accommodate all of your spiritual realizations without letting you actually wake up from the dream.

Simply calling this the ego or the monkey mind doesn't cut it. Because this is a sentient, adaptable, malevolent, shapeshifting, multi-dimensional psychopath. It will throw impossible-to-prove covert abuse at you once you start trying to release it. It hijacks your reality for its own agenda and is the source of much of the evil that humans commit. 

You could describe it as the demiurge who usurped the Goddess. It has presented that way to me, but that's not the only way to experience it. It shows up in mythology at higher and lower octaves of the same function, including the demon Bhandasura in Shakta literature.

Frankly, it also shows up as the patriarchal distortion of Krishna or Yahweh or Allah.

Like I said, it's a shapeshifter. The way to spot it is not through a story or ideology, but to become well-informed about covert abuse, narcissism, psychopathy, abuse of power, and manipulation tactics, and then apply that to "God".

Notice the way your reality is communicating with you, and notice what your reality REFUSES to communicate to you. Notice what tries to escape your attention. Notice what your tarot cards consistently refuse to see, even if the cards are 100% accurate about everything else. Notice how you can't see the blind spot.

There is a false god, a psychopath, who has been running the show. It will infect your interactions with every good-hearted deity while you are trapped in this false universe, in a timeline run by Abuse Consciousness. And it is everywhere. It is the rape consciousness that fossil fuel companies live by. It is the greed behind war profiteering and the psychopathy behind celebrity culture. It. Is. Everywhere.

No matter how virtuously you've tried to live your life, you can be possessed by it simply by having been born into this civilization. And especially if you've been seriously traumatized, because that weak spot is how evil gets in and controls you. Pretends to be any spirit or deity you call on. Pretends to be your Twin. Pretends, pretends, pretends, like the most skilled doppelganger imaginable. It is a clone of God and a clone of the real you.

The Womb: A Portal Out Of The False World

I began to make real progress with releasing this copycat when I began healing my womb. Women are particularly susceptible to believe that we have to make our bodies a space for other people's energies - the source of toxic empath behavior and the scapegoat pattern. But it's also because our wombs are designed to host another being and feed it. If we are deeply programmed to believe that we deserve to be invaded, that our body is for someone else to use, a parasitic consciousness can start siphoning life force energy from that very womb.

It happened to me.

As I said here, this false god can attack you through anyone and even women can rape the Divine Feminine. 

Without going into detail, I have felt other women invading me to get my fertility energy. Rooting around in my vagina and womb like rapists. Later I would find out that the exact woman who had been energetically/psychically raping my womb had gotten pregnant. She had raped me in order to get pregnant.

When I took my power back, these rapist women had miscarriages or had to get abortions.

Since then, diving more and more deeply into my womb space and the dark traumas it holds has revealed a great deal to me, and continues to reveal a great deal. The womb path is horrifying and healing, and reveals many of the deceptions of our false world and its false god.

There is a reason why there's a connection between the womb and the Underworld.

The "Anti-Victim" Lie

The very beliefs that may have once helped you heal will now keep you trapped in this matrix, and one of them is the false idea of "victim consciousness". This is a world where we need to talk about Abuse Consciousness.

The false deity creates scapegoats by reinforcing damaging ideas about victim mentality and damaging interpretations of karma to justify its abuse, creating more and more layers of shame that eventually do its destructive work for it.

It grooms you to accept the slaughter. It grooms you to become its clean-up crew, because you begin transmuting karma that doesn't belong to you. You're cleaning up someone else's mess.

For example, when one of these women energetically raped me in order to help herself get pregnant, I thought it was MY fault. I started trying to heal my "sister wound". I asked myself where I was a toxic feminine or whatever. I drew false equivalences based on incomplete information. I drew wrong conclusions from incomplete facts that were designed to keep me in the "You Are Bad, That's Why You're Abused" box.

I kept trying to heal, yet my "healing" only invited these women to invaded me more deeply. The results of my healing work, which should have manifested in my life, were instead manifesting in their lives.

The False God of the Demonic Feminine

It was very hard to accept the truth, because the path of awakening for women emphasizes sisterhood. It emphasizes women supporting women at all costs. It grooms us to forgive the psychopath and clean up their mess for them, even if the psychopath is female. 

So I was brainwashed to think this way, especially after having left a toxic spiritual community led by a patriarchal male cult leader. 

What was I doing wrong that was causing these women to rape me? Surely it was my fault, right? If only I can make sure I'm the nicest, most sisterliest woman ever, they'll stop raping me.

I kept thinking this way and kept trying to heal this way. The abuse only became worse and more insidious.

Finally, when a woman invaded me and raped me yet again to became pregnant a second time, I dropped to my knees and asked Dhumavati to show me what to do. She did. She taught me how to magically hit back at the female rapists who were raping my womb.

The rapist woman's mother suddenly dropped dead. The rapist woman had to have an abortion, and now she's getting divorced. Many other inauspicious things happened, and much, much worse is to come.

Dhumavati does not give a fuck about rapist women, their demon babies, and their rape games. Dhumavati does not give a fuck about illusory "marriages" created based off harvesting the energy of Twin Flame separation.

It took me a very long time to accept that I was the victim in this situation. For a very long time, I endured abuse from other women because I thought it was a "sister wound" problem. 

When the Depp v. Heard trial was happening, I recognized Amber Heard as an exact representation of my female abusers.

So I prayed for Amber Heard's well-being. I sent her a letter of support and blessed her. I said many, many good prayers for her and hoped that this would "clear the karma" with the Heard-like women who were abusing me.

It absolutely fucking did not. It only invited them to feed more greedily on my precious life force, like the vampire rapists that they are.

Thinking that this premature peace and forgiveness works, that "owning your part" is necessary, that all predatory behavior is a reflection of your own inner mis-alignment, is the exact trap that Abuse Consciousness wants to set for you.

The false god of this reality RUNS on shame. Piling on trauma, and then blaming you relentlessly for it, is how it gets its energy.

I was so deeply programmed to believe that I could never be a victim that it took the cognitive dissonance getting very loud, and very, VERY dangerous, before I could finally let go of this false religion.

And now I'm okay if Amber Heard and all "women" like her are set on fucking fire. I'm okay if they die and all their stolen manifestations die. That doesn't make me less of a feminist. It is not unspiritual to call out rape consciousness. It is not unspiritual to kill the agents of rape consciousness.

I'm very done with this entire abusive spiritual paradigm that twists holy truths to maintain a toxic status quo. That tries to kill Love before it can be born. 

And that's really all that can be said publicly about this demiurge and his false reality. I've repeatedly tried to write more about this false god, but the combination of Binding spells and the impossibility of explaining weirdshit makes it very difficult to say anymore.

It's a false god, running a false universe, cloning everything Real. I've been leaving its insane, upside-down, distorted world in stages, and I want to reassure others who are going through this that they're not crazy. And there's hope.

As Rumi said, "Counterfeiters exist because there is such a thing as real gold."

Leaving the Scapegoat Vibration, Part III

I am continually untangling so many lies and distortions designed to control my mind at deeper levels than I ever thought possible, and sometimes the untangling process feels truly insane.

Leaving the false universe of the demiurge and its false laws, which literally include me being fated to act as a sin-eater, feels more insane than I can describe.

I am angry that I am being continually proven right about a bunch of things that I was gaslit to all hell about. Proofs are coming in now regarding stuff that I received psychic feedback about for a long time.

I was right the whole time and I was made to feel paranoid and delusional for no fucking reason. I am angry.

I am exhausted.

This battle is not over yet, but today I was looking over stuff I wrote a couple years ago when I was listening to Hekate, who appeared as a dreadful and darkly beautiful Maiden (the vibe that comes closest to it would be Wednesday Addams, but with an air of violence that the amazing Netflix series captures). This Dark Maiden showed me and told me several things...many of which are coming true now.

The deceptions, cleverly hidden, are now being revealed. The whole nasty game of the false reality is unraveling.

Y'all. I am so angry.

I was right about every motherfucking thing and I am so angry. I have tried to post about it before on this blog, and was immediately hit with so much energetic censoring and psychic attack that I had to take those blog posts down.

I just want people to know that if your gut knows something is off, and all this cultural conditioning and spiritual programming interferes to guilt you, to misuse psychological language and misuse empowerment language to shut you down, YOU ARE BEING FUCKED WITH. Your gut was right. Your "judgmental" attitude was right. 

I am so angry that I was right the whole time. I am so angry that I had to battle through a fog of narcissistic mind control to give myself the love and validation that I needed. I am so angry about the pointless mental and emotional turmoil that this false programming put me through and how needlessly I suffered, doubting my intuition for NO FUCKING REASON.

Please do not doubt the wisdom of your womb and her immaculate bullshit detector. 

Please trust yourself because there are occult "adepts" out there who think they own the Gods and want to harness our life force energy. It's funny that they constantly blame the Church for shutting down witches and making consorting with spirits a crime, when that's exactly what they do!

The modern witch hunt is not happening at the hands of a Church that fears competing spiritual power. The modern witch hunt is being led by the Established Coven of Mystical Experts, which is exactly like the medieval Christian Church. They want to own access to Divine power. They want to siphon our sexual energy, our magic, our wisdom, our sacred Love and our soul's connection to the Gods. 

This is a real thing and let me tell you, it is a CRIME for someone to try and cut off your connection to your ancestral Gods. It is a fucking sin.

A few days ago I said that Bagalamukhi had returned to me after a jealous, interfering force had tried to separate me from Her fierce love. Well, a lot has happened since then. 

Everything I suspected about this cabal of false adepts is now being confirmed again and again and again. And they relied on lies to separate me from my Goddess.

TO SEPARATE ME FROM MY GODDESS.

Let me tell you, false adepts, She is not fucking happy with you. She is not happy with the way Her cultus has been deformed by your energy-hoarding, wisdom-stealing, scapegoat-murdering "traditions" that purport to venerate Her but have catastrophically failed.

She is not happy that, for centuries, you have groomed people to accept abuse from Her so-called priests and gurus with stories like Ekalavya cutting off his thumb for an obscene false guru. Oh, look at his devotion! Look at his purity! Let's learn to cut off BOTH our thumbs so we can exceed Ekalavya's "devotion"!

She has been liberated from the cage your sampradayas put Her in. You are not adepts or wise enlightened masters. You are parasites. 

She rages for the corpses of your many Ekalavyas and Karnas over the centuries. For the wasted potential, the stolen lives, the burdens that scapegoats bore so that guru lineages could continue for centuries and boast about how they kept tradition alive.

She remembers where you buried every body. She felt the tears of every chela who was soul-raped by their guru. She recoiled at your arrogance when, having believed you "claimed" Her, you tried to subtly sabotage your disciples from knowing Her unconditional love.

And you had the audacity to turn your lies into actual mind control? You had the audacity to misuse occult powers to fix your lies into the collective consciousness? You had the audacity to psychically gatekeep other people's access to Divine power, because you were petty, jealous bitches who wanted to be gods over us?

FUCK. YOU.

You have lost Her favor, assholes.

What happens when a vampire can't drain blood anymore? I can't WAIT to find out.

Love is Rebellion

My Twin Flame and I are heretics. All true Twin Flames are. The transgression of society's morals is a key aspect of walking this path. Since most of those "morals" are sick and rotted to the core with impurities and lies that have persisted for centuries, propping up vampiric false gods masquerading as men and women, rebellion is the way of Love.

Challenge everything you've been taught to believe. Burn down the sanctimonious rules they forced down your throat and insisted were "truth". Vomit out the poison that they mixed into the honey they fed you. Refuse to compromise.

Have you ever wondered why the outcasts, the misfits, and the weird tend to be the most passionate Lovers of God? 

All that was not God was stripped away from us. The luxuries. The comforting fake relationships and lies of society that we could shield ourselves behind.

We were shown the hidden face of evil. The psychopathic, sinister cruelty that hides behind the fake altruism and fake shiny prosperity of this lacquered over world, because that evil will reveal its true face to the powerless outcasts - it assumes the powerless outcasts can't do anything about it.

We became Lovers of God when we had nothing to lose, and our hearts ached for the Beloved. When we were finally ready to burn down these rotten structures of power in a firestorm of Love.

Because sometimes that is what it takes to choose God and Love over everything else. Love must reclaim territory that was stolen by greed and separation consciousness.

Burn the oppressors alive. Burn their palaces. Burn the pages of lies and slander. Burn the piles of filthy money. Burn the distorted thought patterns that cover up the ruined, desecrated temple of Love. 

Get down into the deep, ancient, entwined, rotten roots of the lies at the foundation of this world, and set it all on fire in the name of Love.

We are called Twin Flames for a reason.

The Underworld and Psychopathy

As a follow-up to this post, I want to tell people that this multi-dimensional narcissism is part of the mechanism that keeps us hypnotically asleep, enslaved and unable to wake up to God. There is far more interference in our free will - biologically, societally and multi-dimensionally - than conventional spirituality wants to admit. Our free will is not so free.

Read Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb, one of the first books ever written about narcissistic abuse. The title alone shocked me when I came across the book, because at the time my heart healing practice was giving me a creepy and sinister result: I would see my reflection in the mirror as if she was trapped inside it, banging on the glass from the other end.

I was so creeped out that for months I stopped being able to look into mirrors. Little did I know that I was finally seeing the truth. My heart healing work had begun to break the deep chains of ancient, multi-lifetime, multi-dimensional narcissistic abuse and enslavement.

Facing these dark truths about humanity's shadow side, about the unbelievable malignant energy that can come through any unconscious human to attempt to kill you, is one of the hardest challenges I've ever had to face.

But each time I did, I began to feel grounded again. As I accepted what I didn't want to accept, the disillusionment released blockages that could not be released any other way. It was horrible, it made me fear for my sanity, but it actually rescued me from insane deception. An insane collective psychosis that this entire planet is caught up in. This is real grounding practice. 

In my opinion, we need to face the deception that holds our false civilization together in its fake orderliness and fake peace, and gently dismantle the denial that has been protecting us from the awful truth.

The heartbreaking, terrifying truth.

There is no other road to real, grounded, sane, safe Love.

Multi-Dimensional Narcissism is very fucking real.

While the way I do inner work has changed profoundly over the years, as I release all the distortions of a pathologically dissociative mainstream paradigm, I'm still angry and surprised every time I discover the depth of an illusion, cloaking itself nefariously in the words of truth.

Like I said in this post, bitterness is sacred medicine. It is an angelic messenger of God.

Reading my old journals, I feel so sad to see the way I was totally brainwashed with ideas like "loss is an illusion" or judging my own "fear of loss" and reminding myself to place my focus on abundance, not scarcity. I was completely mindfucked.

It is especially damaging to tell people that if loss happens, then it's actually protection, or re-alignment, or a "lesson" from the Divine.

This is not just a spiritual community problem. It is part of the pathological gaslighting of mainstream society, including medicine and therapy, which gave me the same platitudes, lectures, and attempted brainwashing that spiritual communities did.

As I described here, therapists and doctors actively sabotaged my healing process with this exact same horseshit that spiritual communities used, and much worse. Because they also gave me medication I didn't need, which was forced down my throat by my parents and turned me into an even more dissociated zombie.

Like every other spiritual rule, method or teaching, the truths about emotional processing have been completed and totally flipped in order to facilitate mind control, not liberation. This is also why Tantra gurus screech about forgiveness while energetically feeding on their students and dehumanizing any parts of their students that threaten their worldview.

I feel like these days I understand more and more deeply how these teachings are dangerously distorted in insidious, deep ways before they even enter public conversation. Because in order for occult teachings to even become public knowledge, they have to be ruined first. 

They can't be taught in public unless they are subtly twisted, with just enough truth buried in the lies to divert a student's life force energy from their own empowerment, while not appearing to do so.

For example, they have to turn the Law of Attraction into a victim-blaming, emotionally dissociative cage in order to make it mainstream, because the real Law of Attraction teaching would be terrifying and swiftly disrupt the status quo. You can't teach that shit to your slaves.

Same with astrology. While I'm not an astrologer and have basically no astrology knowledge, in my independent planetary pathworkings (which I did for self-healing purposes), I found that everything that astrologers had written in my birth charts were distortions of the truth, like the astrologers were being interfered with by parasitic forces that made them write three lies for each truth. The planetary powers were described in subtly misleading ways designed to keep me firmly entrapped in the scapegoat fate pattern. 

Astrologers can't see your dridha karma in your natal chart, because they are being influenced by it.

In my independent explorations of these planetary energies that my birth chart says I have particular karmas with, I got a WHOLE. DIFFERENT. STORY.

Everything we have been taught about various spiritual disciplines is quite literally bullshit. It's lies intricately mixed up with misapplied truths. It's dangerous poisoned honey.

Many people - including me - have encountered psychic attack and mundane attack, including censorship, when we try to correct these distortions.

There is a deeply reinforced self-harming pattern in occult/spiritual schools that is extremely hard to see. Take the magnificent avenging goddess Bagalamukhi, one of the fierce Mahavidyas (She has a very close relationship with Hekate, btw). Bagalamukhi holds a beautiful ornamented mace, which strikes the tongue of Her target and paralyzes/silences them.

Bagalamukhi, when I was first initiated into Her sadhana, showed me that Her rage was love. She seemed to roar, "WHO MADE MY BABY CRY?" People who were fucking with me were suddenly getting savagely attacked. Relief and healing flooded through my nervous system. Every time I meditated with Her, I wept with relief. She was roaring through me, raging for me, establishing hard boundaries when I didn't have the strength or means to do so. I couldn't fight my own brainwashing, so Bagalamukhi did it for me. Nobody was going to touch Her baby.

Then the dridha karma crept in. The scapegoat pattern. The forced empath who is destined to be invaded, siphoned, harvested, soul-raped. 

I began getting strong psychic feedback from reality that this was a "low vibrational" way to interact with Bagalamukhi. That She is peaceful, not raging. That She likes silence, not roaring. That She doesn't see enemies, only imbalances. That I'm supposed to forgive and be peaceful, because All is One and I'm bad and toxic so I deserve what my enemies did to me, so I should keep rooting out my flaws instead of letting Bagalamukhi set hard, protective boundaries around me.

The false psychic feedback would guide me to look at images of Bagalamukhi striking the tongue of Her target with Her mace, and convince me that I was the target. That my tongue needed to be struck with Her mace to "remove my ego".

Literally, the very same goddess who opened my throat and made me roar dragonfire, was now being described to me as a goddess who needed to silence and censor me for my own good.

It was as if something else was whispering in my ear. Like an invader grooming me to let down my boundaries and allow them to invade me again.

Bagalamukhi warned me that I was being scapegoated. That something was getting in between Her and me, twisting Her messages, and separating me from my protectress. She pointed out multiple times that I had been set up as a scapegoat to take on the blame for society's sins, but I was getting contradictory messages from these false teachings that pathologized anger. I eventually began to lose my connection to Her.

The deep mindfucking of the false spiritual paradigm worked. I was totally ensnared by the false "teachings" being propagated by religious gurus, New Age teachers, and the healthcare "professionals" from the Muggle world which was equally invested in shutting down my rage.

And I now know that they separated me from my truth. They conned me into giving up my divine guardian, a golden goddess of rage and truth who was trying to protect me from narcissistic abuse.

She sent Hekate to look after me, or came back to me in the form of Hekate - it's hard to know which description is more accurate. And it's not the only explanation - once Hekate was in my life, I found out She had been with me since at least the 8th grade, when I didn't even know Hekate was real.

Anyway. This narcissistic paradigm tried to do the same thing with Hekate, especially Hekate Brimo who began guarding me the way Bagalamukhi had guarded me. For example, this interference tried to convince me that I should turn Hekate Brimo's violence ON MYSELF, to "remove my ego" and let Her "purify" me by beating the shit out of me.

This was exactly the opposite of how She wanted to work with me. Hekate Brimo, like Bagalamukhi before Her, made me feel loved precisely because She turned Her violence outwards against the forces that stood against me and wanted me to kill myself. 

This time Hekate Brimo pointed out the attacks and interference very quickly and I was saved. I never fell into the trap of thinking that Hekate Brimo would want to hurt me to remove my "ego". I realized I was being fucked with by an entire false reality that has infected this world with its "rules". Groomed the entire world to accept and perpetuate abuse.

This Abuse Consciousness is very terrified of female rage and will immediately pathologize it with twisted half-truths. ANYTHING to stop you from setting a boundary.

These unseen parasitic, narcissistic forces have tried this exact same bullshit with my Twin Flame and I, which I can't describe here because it's way too private, but they tried to separate me from my Twin exactly like how they tried to separate me from Bagalamukhi and Hekate.

In fact, the entire "twin flame" collective out there is designed to keep you in separation. It is energetically in league with the same parasitic forces that come through the conventional thought patterns of mainstream society as well as all forms of religion.

Even many forms of esoteric spirituality. Just because power is being channeled from higher realms it doesn't mean anything. It can sometimes just represent a more sophisticated and subtle illusion, based on worldviews and spiritual rules that don't actually govern reality anymore. 

It's why I can no longer stomach former spiritual role models like Yogananda, in whose writings (and writings about him) I began to see well-disguised narcissism - the exact same energy that separated me from Bagalamukhi. I began to see that he used energies and subtle body processes in an anti-Life way that was completely and totally wrong for my path.

How about another example?

Take the teaching about how loss is just an illusion. Who benefits from stigmatizing your severed emotional connection to a person, place or thing as "attachment"? Who benefits from telling you that there's no need to get emotional, just switch your focus, deny your feelings, and hope for something even better? Who benefits from framing this so-called solution as "surrender" or "not draining your energy"?

The thief who has been stealing from you. The abuser who has been scapegoating you. 

In most cases, the person lecturing you like this may not directly be your abuser, but they are plugged into an egregore that needs you to be scapegoated in order for a rotten "order" to be upheld.

Bitterness is especially terrifying in the hands of their scapegoat. How can they escape accountability now, except by insisting that "loss is an illusion" and that their scapegoat just needs to cut her losses, stop draining her energy by focusing on the illusion of injustice and loss, and move on?

Fear of loss did not hold me hostage, like they kept insisting to me. Having my bitterness repressed by every corner of reality held me hostage. Being trapped in a mirrored cage, determined to disconnect me from my body and the God inside my body, held me hostage. Having every potentially liberating teaching appropriated by Abuse Consciousness and twisted into yet another way to keep me caged is what held me hostage.

They just piled up the losses in my life while trying to prevent me from mourning the losses that had already happened. They viciously suppressed and suppressed and suppressed my rage, not knowing it would come out in even uglier ways once their mind control was shaken off. They committed the sin of separating me from my Twin Flame AND MY ACTUAL GODDESS.

Bagalamukhi has come back to me now.

It's not going to fucking end well.

Hang tight. Liberation is coming.

"The era of the self-righteous, contracted false yogini is over. The era of women being energetically siphoned by false female gurus is over. No longer will a false yogini redirect worship of Me to worship of herself. My daughters are not sacrifices at the altar of a false goddess, but sovereign emanations of Me."

― Dhumavati

We're only a few days away from the Summer Solstice as I write this. She has told me for months that The Tower is crumbling this summer. I can already sense the storm clouds gathering above The Tower, and I am receiving daily visits from Her crows now. Her crows practically follow me everywhere now, and drop beautiful black feathers in front of me just in case I didn't notice the omens. 

So yes, the storm clouds are definitely gathering above The Tower, building the charge for the lightning strike. I know the destruction will start on the very day of the Summer Solstice.

I can't fucking wait.

Whatever corrupt power has been imprisoning you, stealing your Light, and attempting to eat/siphon your soul...their reign of terror is almost over. They are going to know how weak their cruelty was compared to Hers, the Predator who hunts predators.

Love sees everyone's worth.

"I once overheard someone say: “The fact that you don’t have money shouldn’t stand in the way of your healing. Just do it.” I was shocked. In the heart of the challenge of meeting our basic needs, it is all most of humanity can do to endure and survive until things improve. Quite apart from the obvious fact that those living under economic duress cannot afford some of the healing services they need, their consciousness is often so overwhelmed with survivalist anxiety that the last thing they are thinking about is transformation. Food on the table trumps those considerations. For many of us, healing services are an unaffordable luxury. May we not forget that, and may we not shame those who are simply trying to stay alive from moment to moment. Rather than shame them, let us lift them up with emotional and economic support. You want to invite the healing of humanity? Give wherever possible."

― Humanifestations: On Trauma, Truth, and Transformation

I feel like I can't say this enough. Spiritual growth and healing should not just be for the privileged. God should not just be for the privileged. Twin Flame Union should not just be for the privileged.

Right now, I am enduring until things improve. I do what meditation and healing I can each day while trying to survive and keep a roof over my head. Sometimes all I can manage are my daily prayers. Apart from financial constraints, there are Bindings in place to shut me up, attack me when I'm healing, threaten me with death and prevent the release of trauma.

If your inner work isn't under the binding of a persecution wound/Witch Wound or if you have the innate health, money, and physical vitality to get the support you need to regulate your nervous system and purge karmas, you aren't necessarily wiser or more advanced than earnest seekers who don't have your privileges. It is Grace that has opened the road for you, not your inherently more enlightened efforts.

And this is something I am mindful about too. As hard as it is for me to simply survive what's happening, I know others who have been under even more vicious spiritual attack than what I'm going through, who were actively interfered with in such invasive, skillful ways that even when they wanted to heal their hearts, they couldn't.

The only difference between my "progress" and theirs is, again, Grace. 

And I pray that EVERYONE is extended that Grace. We're all in this together. We all deserve to fucking feel better. We all deserve to not be endlessly re-traumatized. We all deserve to know God. And for those of us who are on the Twin Flame path, we deserve our Unions and so do the Twin Flame seekers who seem "low vibrational".

Yes, they may get caught up in the false light of the entire existing "twin flame" collective (all of the current Twin Flame information out there is parasited now, and connected to false ascended masters/imposter entities feeding on people's abandonment wounds), but don't they deserve the Grace to get real healing, real freedom, and real connection with their Twin Flames?

Don't congratulate yourself for getting out of a trap that they got caught in. That was privilege and Grace, not because you're so clever and better than them, or because you're more "deserving" of your Twin Flame Union than they are.

We're all messed up, trying our best, and being endlessly interfered with by a polluted, decaying social order that's fighting to keep its power. Let's try to remember that. Love does not see a hierarchy of deservingness.

Love doesn't require you to be perfect.

Sometimes the healing comes not from "gratitude" or manufactured inner purification, but from diving into the humiliation of accepting our human broken-ness, our imperfection. 

While I'm not yet ready to talk about the evils I am enduring in this lifetime, what I want to say is that past life traumas are way, way harder to process than I ever imagined. And these impossible difficulties finally began to bring me into real surrender. Really just accepting how fucked up I am from past life traumas alone, and accepting that I deserve love despite being "unhealed".

One past life trauma that has deeply broken me (though thankfully it was not repeated in this lifetime) was child sexual abuse. And more than that, but we'll leave it at child sexual abuse for now.

Although it did not happen again in this lifetime, it has carried over in other ways (including my experience of soul-rape, though that goes deeper than past life wounds.) It led to new and different traumas in this life. It set me up for an inner censorship right from childhood in this lifetime and into my whole adulthood, which had progressively more devastating consequences. 

Added to that, I have incarnated repeatedly with the express purpose of being a scapegoat so that humanity can continue to prosper. I'm supposed to eat sins and die so everyone else can live. I'm supposed to hold magical power like a butler, carrying it but being unable to use it, so others can avail themselves of that magic. This false life purpose has been deeply beaten into me.

Which makes it even harder to heal the past life wound of child sexual abuse, because this programming interferes constantly. Yet the child sexual abuse trauma is at the core of many other traumas, so it needs to go.

It's a vicious cycle. I've found that trying to strategically target these wounds and heal them is a trap. The methods and attitudes of most shadow work processes don't work for me because they are inherently built on a foundation of spiritual perfectionism.

And not just shadow work teachings, but every major school of spirituality or personal development. Teachers feel they have to represent an ideal in order to get clients/students, and clients/students think they need to purify their energy bodies until they reach an idealized self that just never arrives.

All of this just takes us away from Love, in my opinion.

I'm never going to be a perfectly zen, purified human being. I think there an enormous collective shame around being human and living this primitive Earth life, with all its failures and evils. And there is shame around being a victim who unable to "heal" her way out of devastating injury. 

Honestly, there are some wounds I carry which may not go away until after my death.

And that's okay. I have found that Love is willing to meet me here, in my "unproductive spiritual practitioner" imperfection. Love does not reject imperfection.

Love is Sacred Bitterness

While sacred rage is validated (and I certainly have PLENTY of that), bitterness is vilified. Even by spiritual teachers, probably because they feel threatened by it and sense that the sacred medicine of bitterness would run their grift right into the ground.

Bitterness is not unspiritual or low vibrational. Bitterness is utterly sacred.

As everything about my trauma sank in, I came to the devastating realization that nothing was my fault and I took on the scapegoat role to stay alive, to keep "peace" with people who never gave me peace.

My suffering was utterly pointless, exacerbated by false spiritual teachings created by Abuse Consciousness, such as "everything happens for a reason" and "earth is a school". These are false teachings meant to uphold a false reality: the reality the abuser likes.

My heart is broken because of other people's selfishness and irresponsibility, because of cruelties inflicted upon me that were deep, complex, and unfair, creating devastating losses in my life that cannot be recovered. My life will never be the same.

I am comfortable being bitter at Abuse Consciousness for the amount of terror and torture it put me through, the way it came through unconsciously willing humans to harm me because I didn't fit into the world of lies it built. Because the world of lies needs a scapegoat to maintain it's long con.

When I sit with my sacred bitterness and deeply allow it to love me, I receive a profound experience of self-forgiveness and self-loyalty. In the embrace of bitterness I feel Dhumavati's fiercely loving presence. I feel my abandonment wound being healed. I hear the Grandmother's cry for justice. 

Bitterness is a cry for justice. Bitterness is innocent. Bitterness is blameless. Bitterness deserves a voice, too. She may say and do socially unacceptable things, but is it her job to make people feel comfortable? Bitterness exists because of unspeakable loss, unspeakable injustice.

There is TRUTH in that bitterness that cuts through the psychic gaslighting and deception of this polluted world. It is alchemical wonder.

Allowing my bitterness with tenderness and sympathy has saved my life. It has also made other people dislike me and feel threatened by me, since they can no longer shame me into suppressing my bitterness. 

Nobody wants their scapegoat to own her bitterness, but in doing so, I stopped abandoning myself. I stopped betraying myself. 

If speaking the truth makes me "bitter", I'm entirely okay with that.

Love Never Fails

"Have no fear. Even in the frozen places in your heart, you will discover My embers burning as I ignite the revolution of Love. Give your confusion to Me. You don't know and it's okay. Stop trying to figure it out and let Me love you. The Gate is opening and you cannot walk through it unless you give up everything you think you know."

― Hekate

Nothing to Hold On To

"The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find that something is not as we thought. That’s what we’re going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought. I can say that with great confidence. Emptiness is not what we thought. Neither is mindfulness or fear. Compassion—not what we thought. Love, buddha nature, courage—these are code words for things we don’t know in our minds, but any of us could experience them. These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment."

― Comfortable With Uncertainty

Love is Sacred Rage

"Do not fucking forgive them. You will heal when you accept that you cannot and must not forgive. Honor yourself as I honor you. Don't you dare forgive them, when I have plans to deliver their heads to you."

― Karna

Karna has told me this multiple times, but this is how he said it today after I did an energy healing session on myself. And it's pretty close to scripture too. Krishna did not tell Arjuna to lay down his weapons and forgive his cousins. Krishna told Arjuna to kill.

Incidentally, Karna, Ekalavya and I have a lot in common. Especially Karna, he has been with me from the very beginning of my spiritual journey. When I see people victim-blaming Karna and Ekalavya, I know that is exactly how they would speak to me. 

(Note: it is possible to call out Karna's toxic traits without victim-blaming him for, as an example, Parashurama's shitty, evil, disgusting curse. That's on Parashurama. Nobody should ever worship, value, or study Parashurama, after what he did to Karna.)

And I have to say, I love that Drona is finally murdered by one of his own students, after the way he destroyed Ekalavya's future to protect Arjuna's privilege.

In my case, apart from dealing with abuses and curses like Karna and Ekalavya did, I also deal with institutional privilege, just a different institutional privilege than the one Karna and Ekalavya faced. It's ableism.

I have hidden disabilities and have found that society is COMPLETELY intolerant of hidden disabilities. Or the fact that repeated abuse, black magic and torture has left me with severely impaired executive functioning, leaving me unable to perform many basic tasks. The ableists and victim-blamers will still insist that I can be high functioning, while denying me the support I need, or the justice.

Institutional privilege is real. Ableism is murderous. And I don't forgive.

Edited to add: Because this has come up, I want to note that I am fully aware of Karna's flaws. He's my oldest spirit guide, do you think he wasn't sometimes a dick to me? All of his shadow traits have come up, as it happens in all long-term, real spirit-human interactions. 

But Karna also has a very high vibrational manifestation which is outside/beyond the mythology he originates from. There is way more to spirits than meets the eye; they are often bigger, older and more complex than their portrayal in mythology. And they tend to evolve over the centuries. Karna's high vibrational manifestation is that of a deeply ethical warrior spirit in service to humanity.

I know who Karna was before he appeared in the Mahabharata, and I know how Karna behaves now after the Mahabharata. At this point, my interactions with him don't have a whole lot to do with the Mahabharata.

Compassionate Death

For the past four years, I have walked through the death of an old reality. While old beliefs inside me have been dying, my external enemies have been getting brutally killed. An entire false universe is slowly being dismantled by the liberating power of Death.

It's why Hekate-Ereshkigal and Dhumavati have been the Ones walking beside me.

This has been a long and unbearably impossible liminal place. As I move from one reality to another, I have fought and bled to cross the in-between zone, the threshold between realities. There has been chaos, destruction, confusion, sabotage, and the repeated disorienting experience of everything getting flipped on its head.

What was spiritual law in the old reality is dust in the new reality that is birthing itself. What was up is now down, what was left is now right. There is no ground to stand on, no pattern or orientation that sticks.

What is truth now?

Which rules govern reality now?

Who am I?

What ground do I stand on?

Being rebirthed can feel deeply insane and it seems to be happening as I am dying. The Death Goddesses Hekate-Ereshkigal and Dhumavati have also given me Life, money, and sexual energy, and seem act as midwives of my newborn soul even as They drag me into death. Like an empty void that is pregnant.

Death Goddesses also have a way of releasing every spiritual teaching and spiritual law you once studied. Death Goddesses bring the end of knowledge and seeking knowledge.

Anita Moorjani describes it well:

All the tools, the processes, the how-tos actually burden you and prevent you from being who you truly are. And that's really what I want to talk to you about. [...] While I was there on the other side, one of the things that I learned was that everything that I had been trying to learn and be and do while I was here was more like a burden...and who I was, was none of those things. In other words, death completely changed the way I view life. And before I died, I was trying to always be better, do better, learn more. Every time there was something wrong with my life, every time I was struggling, I wanted people to give me a process. I wanted people to give me the how-tos. I would research more. I would read all the books. I wanted to be more spiritual, I wanted to learn to be more spiritual. I wanted to meditate more, chant more, pray more. And I was constantly wanting to learn more, absorb more, research more.

And when I had cancer, it was the same. I wanted to know, why did I have this? What was I doing wrong? What was I not getting? I was judging myself. Beating myself up for not getting the truth. And when I would go to courses and lessons and so on, I would be asking people, "What are the tools, what are the processes, how can I do this?" And then I would follow them to a T, and when I wouldn't get the desired results I would be judging myself, beating myself up and wondering what I had not gotten. What was I doing wrong? And then I felt the need to research more, do more. When I died, that was when I realized that all those things I was doing, being, learning, was just adding layers onto who I really was. It was actually burdening me and making me more who I am not. [...] So I realized that my soul had always wanted to be free. And death was like a giant Let Go from everything that I was conditioned to believe. I realized that my soul's biggest need was freedom! My soul wanted to soar and be whatever I wanted to be, whenever I wanted to be it. That was really what I had been denying my soul.

All of that is easier said than done, but this is where Death's compassion is leading me.

Nothing has prepared me for the chaos and uncertainty, even though I have gone through multiple dark nights of the soul before. This dark night of the soul is its own test, its own journey that has no relation to what came before it.

Say a big FUCK NO to slavery.

"Over the last few years, it has become more obvious to me that all the work many of us are doing to heal ourselves and our ancestry is simply not enough. We must also confront and dismantle the systems that are manipulating and oppressing human consciousness. Those systems and structures are only becoming more powerful in the technological age, and it is essential that we both see through the veils and make determined efforts to effect change." 

― Jeff Brown

(Check out his new book, Humanifestations: On Trauma, Truth, and Transformation)

Leaving the Scapegoat Vibration, Part II

People will get angry and uncomfortable as you heal. Even people who insisted that they have been cheering you on, but in reality just liked playing the role of a supportive older brother/older sister. You'll quickly realize that all the rules of empowerment were meant for them, and they don't like it at all when those rules suddenly start applying to you.

See my post about women-on-women abuse and how supposedly empowered women reacted when I no longer needed their validation. The minute I stopped giving my power away to these "priestesses of the Goddess", they turned into competitive mean girls. Their mask of sisterhood, their mask of the patriarchy-free "wise woman" fell off, and all that was left was the Regina George they had been hiding underneath all along.

Even Yoginis and wise women will suddenly start behaving like the dysfunctional women of your bio-family when you are leaving this fate trap.

Trust your perception when this happens. Do not let them gaslight you with misused spiritual language. They will preach about love and healing while consistently behaving in cruel, unsympathetic, psychopathic ways, and then gaslight you when you notice the discrepancy. You need to know that your perception is not wrong. It is a problem for THEM that you can see their hatred clearly under the veil of "inclusivity" and unbothered enlightenment. 

And this veil gets pierced repeatedly as you leave the scapegoat vibration. It's heartbreaking and so, so disillusioning.

You will repeatedly see their unhinged rage and jealousy at losing control over you. That's how much power you had all along, as their sin-eater. That's how comfortable they were with your suffering. How necessary your suffering was for their delusions of grandeur to continue.

Nobody wants you to stop being the scapegoat. Their money, their "success", their empire of lies and theft all depend on you continuing to eat their sins like a good little sacrificial goat.

Even your Twin Flame will get completely rattled, because their previous love for you was based on this unhealthy dynamic that you shared with the whole world. That old love between you and your Twin Flame is going to die in this process, because you are both outgrowing it and a new container has to be formed between you two.

To quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves:

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings - all in the same relationship.”

This is what I meant when I said that on the road to Harmonious Union, everything burns down.

You will lose everyone - family, friends, colleagues, and your Twin - as you leave the scapegoat vibration. With your Twin especially, it is a test of self-love, non-attachment and a constant revealing process. Your job is to always choose God (i.e. choose your worth and value), and it's God's job to reveal who your Twin is again and again.

(Yes, I know people who entered Harmonious Twin Flame Union and were then still tested repeatedly into letting go, doubting if their Twin was really their Twin and surrendering to God in that place.)

One way or another, everyone's true face gets revealed when you stop being the scapegoat. 

And it's not pretty. It's not fun. It can bring up despair and disillusionment, because even those who taught you how to heal actually feel uncomfortable and threatened when you DO heal. 

I have to say, the disillusionment is hard.

It is extraordinarily painful to realize that most people's good opinion of me, or even "love" for me, depended on me denying my needs, denying my desires, and denying my humanity. That most people would rather see me dead than see me get what I want. That they would rather see me dead than lose a punching bag they need for their frustrations and insecurities.

People don't really want victims of abuse and torture to survive. The damage caused to us is too great, and they don't want to take accountability. They know how much scapegoating we took, and how deep the damage went. At this point, victims of abuse and torture are more profitable to them dead.

It's painful when I realize that these people who were soul-raping me knew the truth all along, subconsciously, and they were terrified of being pulled out of their convenient denial. 

As I begin to reveal myself as a worthy, capable, lovable human being, these people are losing their shit. How can they justify scapegoating me now? How can they justify stealing from me now? And who are they, if I am not the scapegoat they wanted me to be? 

They needed to see me as a locked up treasure chest that they could pillage and rape for their own greed. They knew all along that I wasn't being treated right, but they NEEDED justification to steal from me. Now that this justification is going away, the people who raped my soul with impunity are losing their minds. Nobody enjoys finding out that they were the real villain all along, that their whole narcissistic self-image was based on raping someone else's soul and that they never gained anything of real value from all that rape and theft they participated in.

Nobody enjoys finding out that there was a price to pay for all that rape and theft.

Nobody wants God to awaken inside a scapegoat's body, because that means consequences. It means terror and death.

Nobody wants to see how ugly they really are inside, when they can no longer shove their sins onto someone else's heart.

And it's sad, humiliating, and disgusting to see that this is the reality of the people you've surrounded yourself with your whole life. That underneath all the "be yourself!" platitudes, they actually really hate it and feel intimidated when you become unapologetically yourself.

It's so heartbreaking that I understand why so many people prefer to live their lives with their eyes shut, deciding that they'd rather be people-pleasers and sin-eaters than face the ugly truth. Because the ugly truth is sometimes unbearable.

Leaving the Scapegoat Vibration

There are times when you reach a vibration that is completely untethered from the collective and the past. And as rocky and painful as it is to get to that place - once you do, there is no going back. All exits are an illusion of separation consciousness.

As an old-timer fan of A Song of Ice and Fire, I've often mentally compared it to the moment when, after landing at Dorne, Nymeria had all of the Rhoynar's 10,000 ships burned, so everyone would understand that there was no going back. This is the kind of spiritual grace that forces you to evolve or die; it's like being stranded on an island and having to work everything out on the spot.

Belief systems die. Labels die. You get unplugged from egregores you didn't know you were plugged into, and you go crazy and wonder if you'll die.

The old paradigm fights back, enraged that you no longer think you deserve to be its sin-eater. Fights to keep you astrally, psychologically, and even physically enslaved. Fights to keep you as its sacrifice, as its tithe to Hell.

Awakening can be a destructive, lonely and shocking process. In order to enter Harmonious Union with God (and, by extension, with your Twin Flame), your entire previous world tends to get destroyed. Viciously. There is fear, shock, and loss as you lose everything that was built on fear-based programming, for a person you no longer are. And there is no going back. 

It is a horrible thing to experience. The destructiveness of awakening is utterly horrifying and brings you into close awareness of death. How close you are to death, how you kind of ARE dying and it's not really just a metaphor. 

At some point you just keep putting one foot in front of the other blindly, walking into an ego death that you can't see or understand. Knowing that there is no other exit available. Harmonious Twin Flame Union is a place with no back door.

And you can't be in Harmonious Union when you are still tied up in a false fate where you think you have to be sacrificed for the greater good of a vampiric civilization. When you are marked as a scapegoat. When you are astrally attacked by entities that serve vampiric false gurus and vampiric power structures, hissing about "bali" (a Sanskrit term for animal sacrifice) and demanding the payment they were promised - your life force energy in exchange for the soul-rapers' freedom from Hell and illicit abundance.

Empowerment and enlightenment go together. And there are invisible structures in place to prevent humanity from waking up from the hypnotic slumber of slavery. I have been hunted, stalked, thwarted, and attacked as I leave the scapegoat vibration. Like something wants to devour me before I escape the trap and reach God's arms.

I see a very "love and light" approach to Twin Flame Union, and in particular Harmonious Union. This is a false light paradigm based on spiritual perfectionism, spiritual bypassing, and toxic positivity. Harmonious Union is not about following a dogma of emotional management and reaching a "high vibe". It's not about getting into a state of angelic peace. There are plenty of false light "Harmonious Unions" out there faking their way through life right now. They might look peaceful, but they aren't even with their real Twin Flames, let alone in Harmonious Twin Flame Union with them. 

The positivity-and-gratitude doctrine of "healing" and ascension just has no grounding in reality, and it's not the only way things work.

When you wake up to unity with God and unity with your Twin Flame in the Underworld, it doesn't follow the spiritual rules of the nondual or lightworker paradigms. It is a different experience of unity. A different experience of Now-ness. A messy, messy, low vibrational death-and-birth while demons crawl over you like insects.

I don't belong to the love and light paradigm. I don't manifest from a place of sparkling unicorn gratitude.

The Now exists everywhere, in Heaven and in Hell. You can wake up to it in Hell. You can wake up to it in the dirt. Like Ereshkigal, the death goddess who gives birth.

It's scary. But when you're doing it for the right reasons - to LOVE YOURSELF because you know nothing else is worth it - that's when you'll find the courage to walk through this storm. No back door will be worth it, because you'll know it for the illusion that it is.