For the past four years, I have walked through the death of an old reality. While old beliefs inside me have been dying, my external enemies have been getting brutally killed. An entire false universe is slowly being dismantled by the liberating power of Death.
It's why Hekate-Ereshkigal and Dhumavati have been the Ones walking beside me.
This has been a long and unbearably impossible liminal place. As I move from one reality to another, I have fought and bled to cross the in-between zone, the threshold between realities. There has been chaos, destruction, confusion, sabotage, and the repeated disorienting experience of everything getting flipped on its head.
What was spiritual law in the old reality is dust in the new reality that is birthing itself. What was up is now down, what was left is now right. There is no ground to stand on, no pattern or orientation that sticks.
What is truth now?
Which rules govern reality now?
Who am I?
What ground do I stand on?
Being rebirthed can feel deeply insane and it seems to be happening as I am dying. The Death Goddesses Hekate-Ereshkigal and Dhumavati have also given me Life, money, and sexual energy, and seem act as midwives of my newborn soul even as They drag me into death. Like an empty void that is pregnant.
Death Goddesses also have a way of releasing every spiritual teaching and spiritual law you once studied. Death Goddesses bring the end of knowledge and seeking knowledge.
Anita Moorjani describes it well:
All the tools, the processes, the how-tos actually burden you and prevent you from being who you truly are. And that's really what I want to talk to you about. [...] While I was there on the other side, one of the things that I learned was that everything that I had been trying to learn and be and do while I was here was more like a burden...and who I was, was none of those things. In other words, death completely changed the way I view life. And before I died, I was trying to always be better, do better, learn more. Every time there was something wrong with my life, every time I was struggling, I wanted people to give me a process. I wanted people to give me the how-tos. I would research more. I would read all the books. I wanted to be more spiritual, I wanted to learn to be more spiritual. I wanted to meditate more, chant more, pray more. And I was constantly wanting to learn more, absorb more, research more.
And when I had cancer, it was the same. I wanted to know, why did I have this? What was I doing wrong? What was I not getting? I was judging myself. Beating myself up for not getting the truth. And when I would go to courses and lessons and so on, I would be asking people, "What are the tools, what are the processes, how can I do this?" And then I would follow them to a T, and when I wouldn't get the desired results I would be judging myself, beating myself up and wondering what I had not gotten. What was I doing wrong? And then I felt the need to research more, do more. When I died, that was when I realized that all those things I was doing, being, learning, was just adding layers onto who I really was. It was actually burdening me and making me more who I am not. [...] So I realized that my soul had always wanted to be free. And death was like a giant Let Go from everything that I was conditioned to believe. I realized that my soul's biggest need was freedom! My soul wanted to soar and be whatever I wanted to be, whenever I wanted to be it. That was really what I had been denying my soul.
All of that is easier said than done, but this is where Death's compassion is leading me.
Nothing has prepared me for the chaos and uncertainty, even though I have gone through multiple dark nights of the soul before. This dark night of the soul is its own test, its own journey that has no relation to what came before it.