I've written before about the heretical light that this false reality tries to convince you is shadow, and tries to force you to "do your shadow work". An inner light that is uncomfortable heresy to this entire universe.
It is in that Light that I began to find my abandoned self. It's the Light that Hekate Lampadios gave me to illuminate my perfection where they saw brokenness. Lampadios is the Light of Love, so it illuminates what is lovable.
With this light, She illuminates your road and your purpose. The fire in the torch or oil lamp of Hekate Lampadios is the disruptive fire that burns away codependency to bring about individuation. That fire is the heat and friction of division so that inner wholeness can finally be honored, distinguished from everyone else. So that you can finally be your own distinct person.
When I look back on over a decade of spiritual seeking, a consistent theme emerges: "Give me proof that I can just be myself and be okay."
Give me the road back to who I was before I had to change myself to please everybody. Before I learned to enmesh with people as a fundamental way of being. Can I trust myself? Do I get to be myself? Does anyone understand what it is that I'm restlessly seeking? Wait, why is initiation changing me into someone they want me to be? Shouldn't initiation change me into more of MYSELF, just without the impurities?
Every time I tried a spiritual practice, a healing modality, a seemingly powerful magical tradition, I thought: "Now I get to be who I really am! Now I can expand and be free!" But the betrayal followed me, and the deities or ascended masters of that spiritual practice turned against me, mimicking the teachers and thought currents of the egregore they were powered by. I ended up hitting this wall of core, cosmic rejection again and again.
I was consistently drawn to friends and mentors who were transgressive and had experienced being the black sheep. I loved their independent thinking and how they built their lives around their unverified personal gnosis. Even then I had to part ways with them, my fellow heretics, because my innermost soul truth was heretical to them too.
This even happened with my Twin Flame.
The rejection and abandonment wounds run soooo deep that they power the metaphysical building blocks of this entire false reality. An entire universe of fake spiritual laws that only work because they created a structure of sabotage and gaslighting that repeatedly shamed me for doing something to reject myself, abandon myself, betray myself, and hate myself.
And because the world failed me repeatedly, I kept failing myself. Even when I knew that this was my darkest wound, where my gifts and purpose were to be found. So I kept relentlessly seeking her, this rejected part of me...and I kept getting destroyed for trying to love her.
Every attempt to find this abandoned part of my soul was thwarted, sabotaged, humiliated and savagely punished. Each failure to find her re-traumatized me. Made me dissociate a bit further. Buried me alive a bit deeper.
Left me for dead at the crossroads, where the Lamp-bearer found me.
There is a quiet glow in Her fire. A peaceful crackling sound. Here is the end of being shamed by a narcissistic false god, running a false reality that trapped me and blamed me for it. Broke me and blamed me for it. Colonized my mind, locked up my body, expertly sabotaged every attempt to heal, expertly gaslit every attempt to love myself...and wanted me to feel like a guilty failure for not being able to step onto my authentic life purpose path.
The fire steadily, peacefully crackles on, forever in the torch of Hekate Lampadios. This is the fire burning within that all the sabotage and destruction - falsely labeled "self-sabotage" and "self-destruction" - could not snuff out. Evil never managed to touch it.