For abuse survivors and torture survivors like me, for people who have suffered both mundane abuse and occult abuse at unthinkably dark levels, the pathway into bhoga and moksha is quite dark - more like a real life horror movie than the rainbows-and-butterflies vibe that is associated with Sri Vidya. Mine is an antinomian Sri Vidya, more suitable for a woman who has truly, truly been reborn in Hell. A pathway back to Life after ultimate occult terrorism. Horror, evil, and warfare with enslaving archons into which an alchemical process has miraculously inserted itself.
Kali sadhana has been part of that miracle, and through this process I have seen how Lalitha and Kali truly are the same.
There's a lot of shallow talk about the Witch Wound in the mainstream spiritual community, by people who have absolutely no understanding of what the Witch Wound actually is. How terrifying and dangerous it actually is. The same people who write about the Witch Wound will laugh at the stories of MK Ultra survivors, or mock the testimonies that Targeted Individuals give about their life experiences.
I'm not saying conspiracy nuts aren't out there. I'm saying that these very serious soul-level psychic wounds have been appropriated by a superficial, emotionally hollow community of "witches" and "yogis" who have never faced the darkness of the Underworld. Who truly cannot fathom what soul-rape really is (and I actually haven't discussed what it really is on this blog either, because the truth is too fucking dark).
And it's why those of us who have traversed the Underworld often find ourselves struggling to describe just how deep and dark the Witch Wound actually is. How it breaks you.
How scary it is to live in an abuse paradigm programmed to want to murder me or murder my Twin because he has the audacity to want to be with me...and how isolating it is because very few people actually understand what I'm talking about.
Everything I've written on this blog represents like 2% of the actual darkness that the Witch Wound brings. Yet that darkness has been my truth, and I do not shy away from it in real life. Luckily, neither does the Dark Mother.
Because without Kali's protection and guidance, I would not understand the Life-affirming benevolence of Lalitha. Abuse victims simply can't.
After enduring torture that most people would not actually believe was possible, after surviving more murder attempts than I can even believe myself, I have become desensitized to the gentle touch. Scornful and skeptical about sweetness.
I understand the grim, fierce love of the Dark Mother, because this dark ferocity has given me real protection against the unfathomable dangers I have encountered in this lifetime. But the benevolent, lush abundance that the Sri Vidya system unfolds is actually terrifying in comparison.
For those of us who have been broken, frozen, and soul-murdered, Death does not scare us.
For those of us who have been groomed to be killed by abusers, who have been ritually programmed at the level of the unconscious mind with suicide instructions (yes, really), Death does not scare us.
Death is so, so familiar.
But the sweet, life-giving nectar of Tripura Sundari is a frightening unknown. The unfamiliar rajasic ferocity of Life's determination to LIVE is extremely scary.
And my hysterical panic in the face of that Red Queen shows me how lost I have become. How accustomed I have become to being murdered, broken and crushed.
For people who have known only Hell, any glimpse of Heaven actually feels life-threatening.