Back in 2022, my Ammamma Dhumavati made a ferocious promise to me. Since then, others have tried to sabotage the fulfillment of that promise or even outright steal Dhumavati's blessings for me, but to no avail.
The Smoky Widow will not be thwarted from Her deadly purpose. And the fulfillment of Her savage promise to me is now at hand.
The promise is being fulfilled in ways I did not anticipate. It took huge change for me to even get to this vibration, and I have changed completely from who I was in 2022. Even my relationship with Dhumavati has completely changed, in ways that are disorienting.
In 2021 and 2022, I was on a very specific journey with Dhumavati. Under Her guiding influence, all greed was expunged from my system. I became a communist, which would be unbelievable to anyone who knew me in my previous unawakened life (such is the power of Mahavidya sadhana!). I became attuned to the Earth, I attended protests and cared for the homeless, and all the while I thought I was doing things "right". These activities and attitudes certainly drew me closer and closer to Dhumavati, who is extremely pleased by communist values.
The goddess Dhumavati only appears poor and barren to the eyes of greed, just like how She only appears ugly and filthy to the eyes of vanity. There is a reason why I've previously used the fictional character Cersei Lannister to describe everything that Dhumavati hates. (I grew up reading ASOIAF long before HBO picked it up, so the Divine uses fiction already ingrained in my head to teach me lessons.)
To the selfless communist with no pride in their heart, Dhumavati makes sure you are well-provided for. To the woman who fully accepts her own body and its apparent flaws, Dhumavati becomes...well, there's no other way to describe it, She becomes a sexy crone.
And to the prideful and the vain, like the entire Lannister family, Dhumavati becomes a doom on their House. I enjoy the resonance between Her bija, "dhum", and the English word doom. That's very accurate to Her baneful nature.
Coming back to how my relationship with Her has changed as I've changed. The change began happening in 2023, and accelerated this summer as I connected with the Ocean Mother, Hekate Einalia.
My new communist values began turning into rigid mental constructs, my desire to love all was revealed to be yet another iteration of the empath/scapegoat pattern. Every "virtue" was a subtle trap, something that had started out for the right reasons but had now become ossified. And my virtues were leading me right back into the mental cage I was trying to leave.
Worst of all, the more I clung to these virtues that had once so greatly pleased Dhumavati, the more I felt Dhumavati grow distant.
Meanwhile, a volcano erupted underwater as I connected with Hekate Einalia.
After that, whenever I tried to get Dhumavati on the line, Kamala/Lakshmi appeared instead. It was more than just confusing, it was completely disorienting. The difference between Dhumavati and Lakshmi is not just a darshan switch, it's like dealing with two different universes.
Dhumavati told me: "There's Truth, and then there's social justice, which is a lower octave of Truth."
Things are changing. Enormous rage and pain are being churned out of Einalia's ocean, like poison being churned to the surface from the mythical ocean of milk. Like Hekate Einalia, Kamala/Lakshmi is an ocean goddess, sea-born like Aphrodite.
I am VERY disoriented right now because I'm undergoing an inner and outer transformation that corresponds with the switch of the goddesses. And there is heartbreak and confusion as my old reality continues to dissolve.
I'm also very angry and confused that Lakshmi seems interested in granting my wishes, when I denied myself my desires for years in order to "ascend" and become sattvic and all that horseshit. When I spent SO MUCH time releasing greed from my psyche and doing everything Dhumavati asked me to do - now She decides to suddenly throw Lakshmi at me? What the fuck?
I am walking by faith now, not by sight, and increasingly letting go of all forms of divination. My path forward is through darkness, even as abundance flows into my life, because this abundance is linked to a devastating soul rebirth. Lakshmi is pulling stolen wealth out of a false fate pattern that was generated on the day of my birth (I was born under a scapegoat curse) and She is returning the stolen wealth to me. That means in order for me to regain my stolen inheritance, the soul-rapers' pockets need to be emptied. Things need to be shaken up.
So this isn't some nice smiley Lakshmi who responds to creative manifestation with yoni eggs, oil lamps, and nice auspicious mantras in front of a nice auspicious fire. Fuck no. This is much closer to the wrathful Siddhilakshmi who sits upon the corpse of an enemy. Lakshmi is capable of granting abundance in a rage, especially when She is returning stolen gold to its rightful owner. And that is how I am experiencing Her. She is mega pissed off on my behalf.
With the inflow of Lakshmi's abundance comes Dhumavati's murderous vengeance, the long-awaited fulfillment of the promise She made to me in 2022. Throughout it all, parts of my old self are completely dying off.
Dhumavati is certainly fulfilling Her promise to me, but I did not anticipate it to happen this way. To be fair - I didn't anticipate a lot of things. Which is why I'm now easing off on the divination and learning to only trust my heart in each moment. I don't need to know what happens next week or next month; it is much safer to not try to peer ahead.
The justice that I asked for is coming, but with it comes massive spiritual change. A humbling heart opening.
So I have absolutely no idea what is coming next. I don't even know who I am anymore.